Elves, or, a theme develops

d6 reasons the elf must duel you

1. they are on drugs. Elves are notorious for their excessive drug use, tending to fluctuate cyclically, with periods of haughty abstinence, pathetic addiction and raging frenzy. Their taste tends towards the exotic, but common narcotics are consumed regularly alongside rarer chemicals. Their ability to duel may be severely hampered, but their true skill asserts itself on a 1 in 6 every round.

2. you destroyed a thing of beauty. Elves (although being incapable of true creation) prize what they describe as true art above all things. Personal definitions vary wildly, although the art is always uncomfortable in its excess. They will fight implacably, but will always offer rescue from death’s door if you come to see art as is truly should be.

3. you insulted them. A mind bogglingly complex (some would say fraudulent) code of honour and system of laws governing them. The offending party is always, due to some technicality, considered to be on elven land when the crime was supposedly committed. The elf will fight completely fairly - they will level their skill with that of their opponent by using unnecessarily flashy moves. Their victims at sword point, they graciously forgive them, and ask them to feast together. This is the second most common entry to elvish society, and far more desirable than being kidnapped.

4. to put on a show. Elves enjoy being watched, and if they have made your acquaintance and think you are an interesting character, they will put on a show. They will dramatically accuse you in public, then approach you later and explain the game. A carefully sculpted rivalry, or great friendship, or enmity will be constructed between you. After a dramatic build up, a suitable climax shall be reached, you will very likely be far more well regarded and successful and the elf shall receive some modest reward. Will enact these at any level of society. 3 in 6 chance in a social class different from the one you usually travel, 1 in 6 chance a dramatic reversal - a leper talking with queens, a king scamming with street children. Save every week this goes on or the elf gets bored and leaves at a critical moment.

5. an obligation. Thankfully, elves forced into action will strive to ruin their contribution and ideally the entire scheme. They will fight in a perfunctory fashion, and attempt to non-lethally wound you. If approached afterwards, they may offer assistance - it may be flagrant or secretive. They will do one thing willingly, or they may alternatively introduce you to a friend.

6. they actually want to kill you. Whether in a rage, totally calm or cruel, the elf will kill you, publically, and in a humiliating fashion. They will, if they must, throw all of their resources into this effort. They always use a disproportionate amount of force. 3 in 6 chance they attempt to raise your corpse and keep it as a slave to mock.

Orcs - or - the fell art of blog necromancy

d6 reasons an orc may be unarmed

1. intimacy - orcish sexuality focuses (in most cases) primarily on vulnerability. It is traditional to signify interest in a potential by carrying less weaponry around them - partially to imply you are safer around them (orcs highly prize security and strength) and partially to imply trust. Casual sex is usually still armed. It is considered highly romantic to set aside every weapon. Long term relationships are typically confirmed by gifting each other a bedroom weapon, which near uniquely in orc culture is owned by the partners, not the individual.

2. supplication - the more well known orc gods are what they describe as the outer gods. Harsh, uncaring and cruel, they typically embody external threats to a clan, they cannot be faced unarmed. The inner gods are rarely spoken of, and never to outsiders. They hide from the outer gods, and it is considered the duty of all orcs to protect them. It is unthinkable to approach these gods armed, and shrines are typically both hidden and well defended. There is no sentence but death for those who bring a weapon into the sight of the inner gods. Famous exceptions include the Fearless Confession.

3. slavery - it is not permitted for orcish slaves to carry a weapon. All those who fight in the defence of the clan are considered clan members, regardless of origin. Many former orcish slaves have risen to great respect amongst the clans after they take up arms and aid their masters, who (if sometimes grudgingly) embrace them as friends after. The slaves need not to be born an orc, but are considered so afterwards. If they take a mate from the clan, their children are always pure blooded orcs.

4. childhood - a fighting orc is considered to be adult. It is frowned upon for a child to be allowed to go to war, although in desperate times and when hard pressed extremely young orcs are often allowed to take up arms.

5. exile - to be left in the wilderness without a weapon is a test. Orcs considered cowardly and therefore a detriment are as a last resort beaten to unconciousness by the entire clan and left behind without weapons, food and water. Any orc who returns to their clan is met with great celebration. The highlight of the festivities, alongside normal orcish games such as wrestling, fighting, poetry and music, is typically when the redeemed orc strikes their doubters, and then thanks them.

6. dishonourable dead - only those orcs who commit the most heinous crimes - leaving members of their clan to die, insulting the inner gods or destroying weapons are treated so. First, every weapon they own is distriubted to the clan. Their hands and feet are removed. Eyes are plucked out, the tongue torn out and teeth are removed. Spikes are driven in the ears to deafen them. They are left in the wasteland, to be eaten by scavengers. They face the outer gods unarmed.